[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Wednesday, September 12th, 2001|
well, here i sit at brittany's because i can't even go home anymore. due to all of this terrorist chaos, i'm unable to go to my house. i'm sure no one even checks this thing anymore because i never write in it, but i am now. i don't know why i feel like writing, but i do. i don't know how to feel about all of this chaos. i know that none of it has directly affected me, but in a way it has. it has made me question whether or not i want to get into the field of psychology for the reasons i have been pursuing it. i've started considering going into the department of the FBI under psychology. that way atleast i'll be able to travel around the world and experience it all, as i have planned. i don't know. all i know is that this is one fucked up situation, and my dad is leaving for the middle east in 3 weeks. my mom is completely hysterical, my sister is under house arrest, and i am stuck in the middle somewhere. i'm rteady to leave...and not only my house, but this entire country. the people of america are completely clueless. they have absolutely no clue what our government does on a daily basis. we don't even know what evil we are capable of. granted, neither do the pakistanis who are rejoicing at the destruction of atleast 20,000 lives. the combination of the brainwashing of millions of americans and the brainwashing of many middle eastern countries has combined to create an awful situation. i don't know what the answer to all of this may be...all i know is that thousands of families have been destroyed for no reason at all. not to mention the fact that a myriad of families go unknowing tonight...whether their family members made it out alive, or if they perished in the tragedy. that is the worst part...the minute fraction of hope that they may be alive...the idea of their loved ones suffering without them...not knowing. waiting. that is what hurts me. i can't explain why it hurts me really. all i know is that it brings me to tears. the world has become one extremely fucked up place. i almost don't want to live here anymore. we have virtually ruined it all. well, because no one reads this anyways, i'm going to go to bed now. good night.
|Saturday, June 30th, 2001|
|freedom for thoughts
ok, so it has been about a year since i have written in this thing. i guess i just need to vent some of my emotions right now, and this just seemed to be a great outlet. i went up to seattle on the 23rd as i had been planning, and when i got there, i knew everything was different...everything was wrong. after only a few hours, i couldn't handle it anymore, and i started crying. no one knew i was crying, but i was...and i couldn't control it. i was still able to regain control when it mattered though...well until the radiohead concert. from there everything just went downhill. they played this certain song which will forever remind me of pat and our relationship...and that's when i lost it. tears started falling from my eyes effortlessly. i didn't even have to blink. my eyes would just fill with tears. and when pat noticed, i didn't want him to touch me because i was crying because i felt so rejected from him, and i couldn't handle that much confusion. well anyways, i dont' want to retell the entire story. in the end, i left. i got on a plane, and i went home. i couldn't bear to be there anymore. i couldn't stand to see him and not be able to hold onto him. so i just left. maybe i was running away, but does it really matter? he waited for me to get up there, completely away from my support system, to break my heart. i think i was entitled to a little running away. so now i'm home. i'm home and i'm safe. i haven't cried since i got here, but i don't know if that necessarily means that i'm ok. i miss him every once in awhile...more lately than when i first got home. i just get sad every now and then. things will remind me of him, and i just feel kind of empty because i realize that he's gone. just that word makes me sad...gone. it scares me a lot i guess. and i've been listening to ben harper lately...and there is this one song that completely encompasses everything that i went through before i came home. one line says "emptiness comes crashing in"...and that's exactly what happened. it's like i have been bombarded with emptiness. it's not even loneliness so much as it is emptiness. and that emptiness leaves me feeling sad. mournful in a way. i'm trying to let go. i really am. i keep trying to tell myself that maybe it's just time to call it quits. maybe it's time for me to live a whole new life...especially since i am going to college in a couple months. but i still miss him. i still can't make myself stop missing him. i'm letting go of something...someone...that has been a part of who i am for so long. he wasn't just a part of my life...he was a part of me. and i know that sounds cheesy, but that's really the only way to describe it. and so now i feel like there is this hole inside of me. i feel this physical emptiness inside of me, and it's awful. sometimes i'm ok, and i'm able to not think about it, but lately it's been getting harder. i think i'm going to stop wtiting about this though because it's stirring me up a little too much. anyways, those are my thoughts freed. good night.
|Monday, February 12th, 2001|
i'm 18. that's so crazy for me to think about. i'm watching the price is right and i just realized that i can now go on the show. that's so insane...i've watched this show pretty much all my life, but i never could even imagine making it to 18 and actually being able to go on the show. so now i have to hunt down a group of Nadans to drive up to LA. hehe, what a mission. i even know where the studio is...woohoo for me! anyways, i should go take a shower so i can go out to lunch with my grandparents. they're so great. buh bye!
|Monday, January 15th, 2001|
|i get coffee!
i get to go get coffee with e-man soon. yay rah for me. i want to just go get out of my house and sit and talk and be merry. that's my goal for tonight since i didn't go out all weekend....i'm turning into such an old lady...i always think to myself "well, i could get dressed and go out and attempt to have fun...or i could get in my pj's and sit around." and guess what i choose...that's right! i choose to sit at home. i'm such a loser, but oh well...i'm happy anyways.
|Sunday, January 14th, 2001|
andrea yelled at me for not updating this thing ever, so here i am updating it. i sent out the last of my college applications yesterday...thank god! now i just have to wait and see where i get accepted to...and how much money i'm going to need. hopefully the decision of where to go won't be too hard to make. i know where i want to go, but money holds me back...not to mention pressure from the family. right now i honestly could care less about what my family thinks. i'm so sick of their manipulation and disappointment in me. i honestly don't think i turned out that bad. they however think that i'm this selfish alcoholic..which i'm not. but despite their criticism, i'm happy with who i am. and in the end that's all that matters right? it just makes it a lot harder when you have your family talking down to you because of the decisions you make. but i have to remain true to myself. so i wait until the day i can walk out that door and head away to college. but then there's a problem with that too. i'd be leaving my family on bad terms when i need my little sister. i will always need her because she is my support and my stability. i know for a fact that she will always love me because what we have is unconditional love. and yes, it is amazing and i am incredibly lucky. i love being a big sister. it's going to be hard to leave her, i know that. but i also know that she will love me no matter where i live...and i will love her. once again...unconditional love. it makes life beautiful.
|Sunday, January 7th, 2001|
Since Pat is updating this thing instead of talking to me, I'm going to update mine too. I don't even know where to start. The past few days have managed to change my life. First of all, I'm much happier with everything, despite occassional breakdowns full of tears. At 10:08 on Christmas night, the most important person to me walked back into my life. I have once again found happiness...true happiness. And that happiness, MY happiness, is embodied in one single person-Patrick Anthony Truby. Thank you so much for finding the courage to accept me back into your life. You will never cease to amaze me, but of course you know that because I have told you many times. After wonderful 9 days, I was forced to once again let him go, but this time I let go with the knowledge that I had him back. Well not exactly, but I walked away knowing I was no longer alone despite my mistakes, despite the harm I had done in the past. He let go of his pain, and I could feel that. From now on, I strive to never forget that feeling-to never allow myself to forget how very fortunate I am. Every day I am able to spend with him-loving him and caring for him, is a gift, and I must never allow myself to forget that....never. And I know this all sounds like cheesy Hallmark bullshit, but this is how I feel, and no words could capture exactly what I am trying to say. I'm happy.
|Wednesday, December 13th, 2000|
i just got back from the pharmacy...i don't understand why those people take an hour to fill 2 simple prescriptions. i really don't get it. i mean, how moronic can they possibly be? i've filled prescriptions there...hhmm...about 10 times atleast, and for some reason they now have the wrong birthdate and the wrong address. it's so frustrating. but other than that, my day was pretty good i guess. although i failed a chem test too..oh well. i'm over that. i had really good coffee this morning. that was nice. i think i might go to starbucks tomorrow morning really early and get some coffee for brittany cuz it's her birthday. i'm also going to take her a piece of cheesecake with candles in it. hehe...you only turn 18 once! i just hope her boyfriend doesn't show up early in the morning too...that would not be good. nope nope, not at all. i hear all their sex stories already...i don't exactly want to watch them too. so hmm...maybe i shouldn't surprise her early in the morning...maybe just at the normal time. yeah, that's better. i have a plan now. alright, buh bye
|Friday, December 8th, 2000|
|just wasting time...
i just got home from babysitting 4 little boys, all under the age of 10. the sad thing is that i fell asleep before they all went to bed. and then when their parents got home, guess who was passed out in their kid's bed? oh yeah, me. i don't even get to bed that early on school nights. i guess i just reach that point of exhaustion where you can't handle anything anymore, so i fell asleep. the only good thing was that i got to fall asleep with my brent...and he's my favorite little boy ever...(has to be little boy now cuz he has to compete with my taylor)...but he's just so great cuz no matter how old he gets, or how long it has been since he has seen me...he loves me. it's wonderful. unconditional love.
|Wednesday, December 6th, 2000|
It's nice and stormy today. I knew it was going to be though because there was a halo around the moon last night, and that usually means it's gonna rain. Oh my! My little sister is trying to erase my arm with one of those big pink erasers. Even if she could erase my arm away, I don't think I could stop loving her. She's just so wonderful. She even bit my finger today, and I couldn't get mad at her. She wasn't biting me on purpose though...she was trying to steal a bite of my oreo...and that's understandable cuz it was one of those white chocolate dipped ones...and they're the greatest. But now it's time to go get coffee with Jackson and sit on the beach and talk.
|Thursday, November 30th, 2000|
Well, I just started this thing, and I'm hoping it will help me relax a little. It's just another way to vent all the crappy things in life. Now don't get me wrong...life is full of wonderful things. There just comes a time when I need to bitch about all the not so wonderful stuff. But I do want to talk about the happy things too. So don't worry. This won't be too depressing. Like today, today was great. I got to be excited all day because I get to see someone very important to me whom I haven't seen in over a year...what a Christmas present! Yay for me!